Saturday, December 30, 2006

Hussein Arrives in Hell

No Virgins Here
Hussein unhappy with accommodations in Hell

Detroit- Former Iraqi Dictator and Homicidal maniac, Sadam Hussein was disappointed Saturday morning when he arrived in Hell. Approximately 10:05 PM EST. Hussein's neck snapped and his journey into eternal damnation begun. "Where are my 72 bitches," Hussein asked the demon at the new arrival counter in Hell. It was at this point the man responsible for the torture and murder of hundreds of thousands of people was notified that he was not with Allah, but with Lucifer. "You evil son of a camel," said the demon laughingly. "Did you honestly think you where worthy of eternal happiness? You get to spend eternity experiencing the same torment you gave to each one of your victims."

At this point Hussein was instantaneously placed in a room with other new residents. Most of them happen to be supporters of the former Iraqi Dictator. The new arrivals where informed that orientation would begin and immediately their testicles where cut off by a Holocaust victim who used to be a Mohel. "I come down daily from my luxury suite in Heaven just to perform this service," explained Yehudda Rosenbaum. "When I arrive I do my imitation of Michael J. Fox and start swiping at their balls. Oy it gives me such nachas!"

Grabbing his "nuts" in agony, Hussein demanded that he be placed in paradise with his 72 Virgins. It was at this point that a big hairy Hyena looking creature appeared introducing himself as Satan. "You no longer have any balls and your penis looks like Walter Mondale after the 1984 election," said the lord of the underworld.

It was at this point that Hussein was strapped to a chair and forced to watch 1000 hours of painful stand-up comedy by Rosie O'Donell, Kathy Griffin, Andy Dick and that Asian guy who won the first season of Last Comic Standing and fell off the planet. Apparently he is performing in Hell.

Hell spokesman, Yasser Arafat, will be holding a press conference after Sunday's Cleveland/Houston football game, which is part of Husseins torture schedule that day. He will announce what lies ahead for the Butcher of Baghdad. Paulies Point has obtained a copy of the press packet, which contains his daily schedule for the next 100 years. As the arrival desk demon stated, Hussein will spend each day experiencing the same torture and suffering his victims endured while he was the leader of Iraq. He will be given three meals a day, which will consist of whatever is being served at the residence hall cafeteria's at Indiana University.

It should also be noted that Hell is not an anti-Social environment. Every Monday and Wednesday, Hussein will be subjected to pain with other residents of the underworld. On New Year's day he will spend the day with the 19 terrorists responsible for 9/11. Next Wednesday he will get a special treat suffering alongside Adolph Hitler and John Wayne Gacy. A good time will be had by none.

May the victims of this monster finally find peace.



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