Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and a New State Motto

New state motto proposed for Illinois
"Illinois: Where our governors make our license plates"

In the wake of the latest political scandal to hit the state of Illinois, relatives of our nations 16Th President, Abraham Lincoln, are demanding that his name be removed from all published materials or officials documents associated with the state that until recently called itself, "The land of Lincoln."

"Can you blame them," said family spokesman Joseph Shbotnick. "Three governors have spent time in jail and a fourth one is most likely going to be bunk-mates with his predecessor. Why would a man with the nickname 'Honest-Abe' want to be associated with a state that has its governors making license plates in the Pokey?"

Mr. Shbotnick's comments were heard loud and clear by legislators in the Illinois state capital.

House Speaker Michael Madigan (D-corruptown) has already sent a measure to the floor, temporarily suspending the use of the current "land of Lincoln" motto. At the same time incoming Senate President John Cullerton (D-idiotville), has introduced a measure to change the motto to echo the words of the Lincoln family spokesman; "Illinois: where our governors make our license plates."

Not everyone is happy with the recent developments in Springfield. Speaking by phone from his prison cell in Terre Haute, Indiana, former Illinois Governor, George Ryan, expressed his concerns about the pending legislation.

"I have done everything I can to get out of license plate duty," Ryan said. "I scrub floors, work the laundry and even agreed to be that 'American Taliban' guy prison-bitch to get out of plate duty. They will certainly stick me in the license plate room just to humiliate me if this bill passes.

Gov. Rob Blagojevich was combative when reporters outside his Chicago home asked him about the motto situation.

"They should change the motto to Blago-land," Blagojevich said. "I'm the most honest governor in state history. I was upfront with rep. Jackson and congressman Emanuel about how much money I wanted for the senate seat."

The governors wife, Patty Blagojevich, also addressed reporters camped outside the house.

"F**king Obama knew before election night that I wanted a f**king job or Rod needed a cabinet spot," she said. "Only an a**hole would give away a senate seat for free."

Support for the motto change is overwhelming state-wide, especially in Cook County. Copy and print businesses with "no-bid" government contracts have made hefty campaign contributions to both Speaker Madigan and soon-to-be Senate President Cullerton. Both leaders have stated that these recent donations have nothing to do with the multi-million dollar price tag to change the motto on all government documents, forms and stationary. The timing is "purely coincidental."

Democrat leaders believe that once the bills have passed both houses and then override the governors certain veto, new license plates will read, where our governors make our license plates, within sixty-days.

Republican leaders were unavailable for comment. We couldn't find any.

(H/T) Eric O'keefe and John Tsarpalas

Yes, this is an attempt at humor during a time when Illinois needs a laugh.


Dear Santa Obama
By Stephen Kruiser (Guest Blogger)

Dear Santa Obama,

As a patriotic tax payer, I’m a little too old to believe in Santa Claus any more.

But I believe in you, Santa Obama.

You see, like your wife, Mrs. Office of the President-elect, I too was never proud of my country until you became the most popular guy in school Hope and Change incarnate. If you hadn’t been elected, I would have moved to Canada, where people live really long lives because they don’t pay for anything. Ever.

Santa Obama, please make us more like Canada. Or Denmark. Sean Penn says Venezuela is super cool, you might want to look into that. Sean Penn knows a lot because he’s awesome in “Milk” and that’s about politics. Rob Reiner is another celebrity who has great ideas about the direction of the country. They’re just hard to hear through a mouthful of food but you could create a new federal commission work on that. Something like the Office of Waiting To Hear What Rob Reiner Says In Between Bites. Pay for it with money from The Rich, because they are evil. Unless they’re Kennedys.

Continue Reading at America Needs Me



Festival of Lights
Originally published 12/15/06

Tonight at Sundown marks the beginning of Hanukkah, also known as Festival of Lights or Festival of Rededication. My Gentile friends often ask me why Hanukkah never starts on the same day of the year? Obviously they are comparing the Jewish holiday to Christmas, which always starts on the same date. Hanukkah actually does start on the same day every year, but on the Hebrew calendar, 25Th day of Kislev.

Unfortunately very few people, especially Jews, have limited knowledge of the historical events that are commemorated during the eight nights of Hanukkah. Many Jewish children have suffered the same fate as their Christian counterparts and take this time of year for granted. To them it's simply a time to get stuff.

These kids are victims of their parents reluctance to educate their children about their faith and heritage. Mom & Dad themselves have become complacent and view the holidays as a time of gift giving, high credit card bills and anxiety. What they forget is the Spiritual meaning of Hanukkah and Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that this time of year should only have religious significance. I will address the overall beauty of the holidays in a few days. However, I do hope that Jewish parents will take this opportunity during Hanukkah to teach their children about the history behind the celebration.

Don't laugh, but if you have young children, Toddlers to Kindergarten age, check out A Rugrats Chanukah. Entertaining and filled with historical data.

Now where did I put that Latke recipe?

Happy Hanukkah!

Paulie

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